Nurturing Relationships with Self and Others

Connection with others begins with our relationship with ourselves. So it stands to reason, building authentic relationships often starts with a journey toward self-discovery and self-love. Self-awareness and self-acceptance are foundational to a process toward building a solid sense of self. This is the journey that enables us to build trusting and lasting relationships with others. 

How Sense of Self Shapes Our Relationships

Sense of self is a complex concept that begins with understanding our own nature and spirit and how they evolve and grow with our life experience. Everything about us, how we think and feel, our likes and dislikes, as well as all that we have been through shapes our sense of self and informs how we interact, connect, and relate to others. 

True connection means honoring, trusting, and respecting ourselves in a way that fosters the same in others. As one of our great contemporary philosophers, Martin Buber, teaches us, understanding self and other, “I and Thou,” is fundamental to relational connection.

Trust, Healing, and Emotional Stability After Hurt

What does that mean in terms of stabilizing ourselves (emotionally) among others? Especially after we have been hurt. What does resilient sense of self look like once we have learned the hard way not to trust unconditionally? That is a question that leads to a solution for overcoming destabilizing external influences. 

We shore up and stabilize our own identity and emotion regulation as we overcome feelings of fear, helplessness, and hopelessness. And this process includes being aware of our vulnerabilities from our unique strengths base. It takes courage. Yes. Targeting our own insecurities can feel terrifying. But in the end, it helps us to overcome the vulnerabilities of our unique, sensitive, soft spots. That is when we stabilize our own foundation, making it secure and at the same time making it safe for others to approach and engage.

Building Resilience Without Losing Your Softness

Learning how to be your own champion, without needlessly destroying others in anger or retaliation, even while recovering from abuse or betrayal, brings a sense of safety and security, a formidable, resilient sense of internal security that others welcome. Leaning into our most sensitive self while we lead with our strengths is not about exposing yourself negligently or hiding. It is about learning how to protect and defend yourself with dignity and grace as you find your own place of comfort. We don’t have to give up that softer side of ourselves, the sensitive, empathetic, compassionate side. We do need to learn how to protect it and keep it safe. We can’t give it up…because it is an essential key to lasting relationships. It is our humanity, it is what keeps us in touch with all of humanity.

When we stabilize our own secure foundation, protecting and healing our own insecurities, we make it safe for others to trust us as they can. It is a path, not just toward individual peace, but toward relational and communal and global peace.

—  by Karen Naomi Brough, MSW, LICSW Candidate